Blogatology

Does anybody else find those new Mountain Dew ads annoying? Does anybody else think that Voltage, Code Red and LiveWire are really dumb names for “flavors” of Mountain Dew? (Shouldn’t a “flavor” give you some idea of, well, a flavor?)

Well, for those people — and I know you’re out there, here are 10 more ideas for new Mountain Dew flavors:

10. Veal.

9. Cuyahoga River.

8. Oil of Olay.

7. Super Unleaded.

6. Chewing Tobacco.

5. Igneous Rock.

4. Premium unleaded.

3. Asparagus.

2. Cedar.

1. New Coke.

I was talking recently with a friend about the “joys” of dating, which was never fun in the first place and is only less fun as you get older. Which led to …

The top ten phrases most capable of ending a first date:

10. I used to be a lawyer, but I quit to pursue my dream of making a living as a ukulele player.

9. The whole restraining order thing was really just a silly misunderstanding.

8. You’ll like my mom. That’s her over there.

7. I hope you like cats. The 17 I have are really adorable.

6. I really feel much better about myself since I got out of prison.

5. I can’t wait to show you my collection of  bus timetables from around the world.

4. You’re not one of those people all hung up on monogamy, are you?

3. I don’t hear the voices telling me what to do nearly as often these days.

2. The doctor assured me it’s not contagious.

1. Excuse me, I need to take this call — It’s my spouse.

Today’s column (on the impending return of Andrew Bynum) seems to be absent from the Star website, so I’ve posted it to my blog. It’s available here.

Country night. Motown night. Beatles night. American Idol keeps trotting them out, even if they’re getting a bit tougher to come up with. (Witness “Top iTunes Downloads” night.)

Now, I’m not an Idol fan at all — I’ve watched one episode, involuntarily — but since there are so many people out there who can’t wait to see where the next William Hung comes from, I thought I’d offer the “Idol” folks my Top Ten Most Unexpected Ideas for “American Idol” themes — not counting “Make Fun of Paula Abdul Night”

Let’s see the overemoting crooners tackle these:

10. The Music of A-Ha.

9. “Everyone Sings The Same Damned Celine Dion Song” Night.

8. Blatant Payola Night (Contestants have to sing whatever the record companies pay them to do.)

7. Yodeling Night.

6. Megadeth Night.

5. Nothing But Commercial Jingles Night.

4. A Salute to Julio Iglecias.

3. Tiny Tim Night.

2. The NWA Songbook.

1. “Der Ring des Nibelungen” night.

Checking in with the feed from our outsourced contributors, An Infinite Number of  Monkeys:

Oiebn5hijbknvdpa94jrc sl;knkln oi4lknmklanoi jkeweoin

WEWO1Askeitdependswhatthedefinitionofisisbiueiuhbkjeol

ain the last train to Clarksville,

And I’ll meet you at the station.

You can be be there by four thirty,

‘Cause I made your reservation.

Don’t be slow, oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

‘Cause I’m leavin’ in the morning

And I must see you again

We’ll have one more night together

‘Til the morning brings my train.

And I must go, oh, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home.

Take the last train to Clarksville.

I’ll be waiting at the station.

We’ll have time for coffee flavored kisses

And a bit of conversation.

Oh… Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, na, na, bananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabanana

bananabananabananabananabananabananabananabanana …

Facebook is now accepted by even the most minimally tech-savvy people, which means it’s clearly far too popular to remain cool, hip or cutting-edge. (There are people out there using it to communicate with their grandparents, and it doesn’t get much less cool than that, except maybe to use it to communicate with your accountant.)

 And so, inevitably, some sort of replacement is going to have to rise up so the cool people can migrate away from the rest of us and tell us how unhip we are.

I’m guessing the next wave will be more specialized networks, to avoid that awkward Facebook blend of actual friends, acquaintances and people you once kinda knew, and somebody who once stood behind you in the 15-items-or-less line at Trader Joe’s.

And so if you’re an online investor, I’m willing to take your money to sell you these concepts:

 Faceplant — the network for skateboarders and snowboards.

Disgracebook — For Bernie Madoff, AIG executives and former members of the Bush administration.

Defacebook — For taggers and vandals.

FaceLift – For Beverly Hills and Upper East Side socialites.

FaceCard — for gamblers (and their loan sharks), with a sister site, AceBook, for people who think poker on TV is actually compelling viewing.

FacePaint — For guys who like to get drunk and make spectacles of themselves at sporting events.

WeGottaGetOuttaThisPlaceBook — For ‘60s rockers.

Casebook — Lawyers, who will find a way to charge by the hour for visiting it.

YourSpace — For hackers.

And finally:

Lacebook — for lingerie models (probably the one most likely to succeed).