Blogatology

For the first time in a while, I have a hockey notebook online at my Ventura County Star blog, mostly about the Kings’ lineup stability this season.

Because there are claims outrage over huge bonuses for AIG executives is misplaced, it’s time to explain how that money was, in fact, earned. So here are the Top Ten ways to earn a bonus at your financial institution after accepting massive amounts of federal bailout money:

10. Loan $100 million to a client who offers to repay at $1 a year for 100 million years.

9. Hire former Formula One champion Michael Schumacher as your chauffeur.

8. Always use corporate jet — to go from Manhattan to Hoboken.

7. During office remodeling, replace cheap silver-plated fixtures in office bathroom with diamond-encrusted platinum ones.

6. Always stay in a hotel room costing at least $600 a night — even if you’re in someplace like Williston, North Dakota.

5. Run a tab for the secretarial pool at Victoria’s Secret.

4. Know the correct way to list cocaine and hookers on the expense report.

3. Tell accountants it’s OK to round all figures to the nearest million.

2. When taking clients out for dinner, always choose a high-end Italian restaurant — in Tuscany.

1. Precipitate a global financial crisis and the collapse of the world banking system as we know it.

A check on the feed from our outsourced contributors, An Infinite Number of Monkeys, turned this up today:

 Uaeisoi48jk p0waitij awrojijoij iah839283joij aa8iii kidfn./zsofaejtkn  uihlm;l9u08hjkinqwlkns poiah3r;lvoij;h aoiwomrt4ojt34jonkn2lkrjn2o3ijran ;lakshjlrkjrlijlisjnienloinl k ri3towsoeasyevenacavemancandoit3oij2i ;jkaoij3ov3 a lknafilnjit was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way–in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only theeigoijiknklnlkerhoiiojjlke l;wkrlknklnhklnrhwelkn;hlkren;

Great. We contract out for original material and get the most over-quoted opening to a novel in the history of journalism.

Oh, well, we’ll keep with it and see what happens.

Sean Penn as one of the Three Stooges? Really? It’s being widely reported today that he’ll play Larry in a Farrelly brothers movie, with Jim Carrey in negotiations for another part (presumably Moe).

Clearly, all bets are off when it comes to casting movies these days; the more attention-getting the casting, the better. And so, we bring you:

The Top Ten casting ideas for Hollywood biopics (that would, at the very least, save us from hearing “I was born to play this role” during the junket):

10. Clint Eastwood as Woody Allen.

9. Fran Drescher as Kathleen Turner.

8. Paris Hilton as Condoleeza Rice.

7. Steven Segal as Laurence Olivier.

6. Vin Diesel as Prince.

5. David Hasselhoff as Winston Churchill.

4. Pauly Shore as Sean Connery.

3. Jack Nicholson as Elton John.

2. Tom Cruise as Steve McQueen.

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Minnie Mouse.

As I mentioned earlier, I’m not planning to write about sports on this site. But just in case you’re curious, here are some recent columns:

– On the lack of major-league players in the World Baseball Classic championship game.

– On the flaws with Team USA in the World Baseball Classic.

– On the play of USC’s DeMar DeRozan in the Pac-10 basketball tournament.

– On Mike Dunlap, the associate head coach of the Arizona men’s basketball team, who turned down the head job when Lute Olson retired.

– A particularly well-received piece on small but mighty Ventura High boys’ basketball player Paul Batausa.

– On the boys’ basketball team at tiny Besant Hill School, which has no gym and practices outside (and went on to win a CIF-Southern Section title).

I’m really not all that enthused about learning what country people should live in, and so ….

The Top Ten least appealing Facebook quizzes:

10. Which section of the tax code are you?

9. What kind of mollusk are you?

8. Which North Korean opera singer are you?

7. Which dental procedure are you?

6. Which character from “Homeboys In Outer Space” are you?

5. What kind of roadable farm implement are you?

4. Which plumbing tool are you?

3. What kind of radish are you?

2. Which member of the George W. Bush administration are you?

1. Which social disease are you?

So, here I am.

Nudged along by a friend (thanks, Sasha, for your help) — and by the upheaval in the world of journalism — I figured it was time to stake my claim to my own little corner of the interwebs.

Now, I’ve got to figure out what to do with it.

There are a couple things I know at the grand unveiling of davidlassen.com. It’s not, at least initially, going to be about sports, or at least not very often. I figure the writing on that topic should stay with the people who give me a (somewhat diminished) paycheck. But I plan to link to my work at the Star, so this can still be your one-stop shopping center for all things Lassen-esque. (In fact, I think that just might be the basis of the site’s mission statement: To be the undisputed clearinghouse of David Lassen, and to make a quick buck on T-shirts, baseball caps, messenger bags and anything else people are willing to buy.)

For openers, I’m stocking the store with some attempted humor, just because that’s what I seemed to be in the mood to write as I waited to go on line. And I have a few ideas for recurring themes that will hopefully be amusing. I also figure I’l toss up the occasional photo, just to break things up visually.

I think there’s going to be more than that, but I don’t really know for sure. It sort of depends where my mood and life takes me, I suppose — and how fast I can turn this into the next great center of American commerce. Maybe I can get AIG as a sponsor.

Anyway, welcome. Tell your friends. Or your enemies, depending about how you feel about it.

Yes, I am outsourcing some of my work.

It remains highly controversial, but everyone’s doing it — software firms, airlines, newspapers, surgeons. (Yes, once you’re under the anesthetic, the doctor hands over the scalpel and heads to the golf course, while the nurse follows the instructions of some guy at a call center in Mumbai.)

And so this little startup operation is no different — except that the budget constraints are so tight that we can’t even afford Bangalore or Tianjin or the usual call-center suspects.

But there’s always a solution if you’re creative enough. I’ve carefully scoured the internet for cheap, second-hand laptops and shipped them to Africa, where they have been set up for use by an infinite number of monkeys — perhaps might be the only users who haven’t displayed outright hostility toward Windows Vista.

Given enough time, they hopefully will produce another Hamlet, although — since this is meant to be a commercial enterprise — I’d really prefer the next Da Vinci Code, a good diet book, or perhaps something really commercial, like a combination of the two.

Anyway, An Infinite Number of Monkeys have been at work since we started the extensive beta testing for the site — which is to say for about two hours now. So far, they’ve produced thousands of lines of gibberish, a recipe for Bananas Foster, and — oddly enough — a complete transcript for the Rush Limbaugh show from June 22, 2006.

But we’ll keep checking in and hope for something good.

Congratulations. If you’re reading this entry, you’ve not only come to the end of the blog, but the end of the internet itself (unless you’re willing to learn Mandarin in order to read the sanitized-for-our-protection version run by the Chinese government).

You are now free to step away from the computer and resume your life.