Blogatology

To be serious for a moment:

In a number of online forums, I’ve seen a constant theme of skepticism about giving to the Haitian earthquake relief efforts — skepticism that the money will actually reach its intended goal, that there is any reason to believe these efforts to help in Haiti will be any more effective than a number of other charitable interventions in the past, or that the money given to Haiti should be kept at home to address American poverty.
I choose to give. And I choose to give not because I am naive enough to believe there won’t be problems in translating those gifts into help, or that we can solve Haiti’s issues with one sudden infusion of cash. I choose to give because I have no doubt the need is immediate and pressing. I choose to give because while giving may be not be an ideal way to help, it is the best I can offer. And I choose to give because while giving may not address all Haiti’s problems, not giving assures none of them are addressed.
I hope others will join me in choosing giving over skepticism or inaction.

www.hopeforhaitinow.org

Now that Hollywood has managed to shed itself of the last vestige of respect for its source material — with an action-hero Sherlock Holmes whose name is about the only link to the classic literary character — the movie people are free to get really creative in maximizing the box-office potential of existing works — because Lord knows it’s a lot easier to take an existing idea and screw it up than it is to come up with something original.
And so here at the Top Ten movies just begging to be re-made if “Sherlock Holmes” is the expected hit:
10. “The Princess Bride,” directed by Roland Emmerich.
9. “Annie Hall,” starring Bruce Willis and Jessica Simpson.
8. Quentin Tarentino’s “Toy Story.”
7. Vin Diesel in “It’s A Wonderful Life.” (Advertising tagline: “Mr. Potter is about to be hit by a Diesel.”)
6. Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler are “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.”
5. “Sleepless in Seattle,” starring Nicolas Cage and Jennifer Lopez.
4. Jackie Chan and Lucy Liu in “Sense and Sensibility.”
3. Keanu Reeves in “On The Waterfront.”
2. Nicolas Cage in “Patton.”
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Bambi.”

OK, so you’re not feeling well. But how can you really tell if it’s some run of the mill illness, or the panic-inducing pandemic for our times, swine flu? Here are the Top Ten indicators you might be feeling a bit piggish:

10. You wonder if rolling around in mud is an effective way to treat a fever.
9. Extreme anxiety when Vin Scully reads a spot for Farmer John sausage.
8. You can smell a truffle a mile away.
7. You wonder why more supermodels don’t wear their hair in pigtails.
6. You have a strong desire to rent the movie “Babe” (but still don’t want anything to do with the sequel).
5. You Google “Arnold Ziffel” and are outraged he didn’t win an Emmy for his work on “Green Acres.”
4. Suddenly, Miss Piggy looks kind of hot.
3. You look at that package of bacon in the refrigerator and feel guilty.
2. It seems worth it to drive 1,200 miles to shop at a Piggly Wiggly.
1. Have taken to ending all conversations by saying “T-t-t-hat’s all, folks!”

Torn from today’s headlines, (and at the risk of being sued, like everyone else in the blogosphere, if her lawyer has his way), it’s …

 The Top 10 Reasons Sarah Palin decided to resign as governor of Alaska!

10. It’s such a mavericky thing to do.

9. Wants to spend more time with Mark Sanford.

8. Feels strong need to TEACH the punctuation, Speling and **(grammar!))** skills “shown” in the transcript of her resignation SPEECH!!

7. Now free to work with Mattel on the official “Caribou Barbie” doll.

6. Before writing her book, she thought she better read one or two.

5. When Alaska officials told her a trip to the Michael Jackson memorial service wouldn’t qualify as state business, it was just the last straw.

4. Lucrative offer to become one of David Letterman’s joke writers too good to pass up.

3. Enter WNBA draft? You betcha!

2. Missed seeing Tina Fey on “Saturday Night Live.”

1. Because by quitting, she could prove she’s not a quitter!

As you may have heard, the Prince of Darkness has signed a book deal.

Now, you may wonder who’d want to read Dick Cheney’s autobiography — which will earn him a reported $2 million from Simon & Schuster (neatly establishing the current going rate for selling your corporate soul). Then again, you may be afraid not to read it, just in case The Evil One surfaces in another administration or finds a way to reinstate the inquisition.

Either way, a project like this needs a title befitting its lofty literary goals. And so, we offer the Top Ten suggested titles for the upcoming Cheney autobiography:

10. A Short History of Evil.

9. Read This Or I’ll Shoot.

8. It’s Good To Be The King.

7. Inside The Haliburton Adminstration.

6. Peace Is For Wimps.

5. Why, Yes, I Am Above The Law.

4. My Years As President.

3. If I Told You More, I’d Have To Kill You.

2. The Devil You Know.

1. I’m With Stupid.

In honor of the L.A. Marathon earlier today, and because it came to mind while I was running about 22.2 fewer miles this afternoon, the Top Ten ways running in L.A. is unlike running anywhere else:

10. Difficult to listen to iPod because of news helicopters hovering overhead.
9. Hardship of those bone-chilling 58-degree January mornings.
8. As they pass, other runners ask, “Who are you wearing?”
7. Have to carry headshots in case you bump into person casting key role of “sweaty guy with bad knees” in next Spielberg film.
6. Never know when your usual route will be blocked by location shooting for “Desperate Housewives.”
5. Risk of heat stroke on those 94-degree January mornings.
4. Passing directors occasionally stop and tell you to do last block again, with more urgency.
3. When you don’t feel like completing a run, stunt double steps in.
2. Dodging falling power lines during earthquakes can get tiresome..
1. Annoying paparazzi who chase you because they’ve mistaken you for Brad Pitt.

Today’s contribution from An Infinite Number of Monkeys:

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Eibfnbkoifklbklbklnbfdieupfdbklyour mileage may vary. Void where prohibited. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Side effects may include nausea, dizziness, runny nose, bloating, constipation, sneezing, temporary hearing loss, bleeding gums, ingrown toenails and skin rash. On rare occasions, your head may explode. Discontinue use if these symptoms persist for more than two weeks. Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sex. If not, ask what good he is. Not for use by ages 14 and younger, 33-46 or 55 and older. Not to be used topically. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while using. May cause drowsiness. Not for use by diabetics or those with heart, lung or stomach ailments. Take with meals, drinking at least two glasses of water. Consult your physician before using if you are currently taking antidepressants, blood thinners, muscle relaxants, medication for high blood pressure, or Rolaids.Rebroadcast, retransmission or other use without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited. May not be suitable for xleiewobkmgdklsauioetklbfkldvanjkefiewflf bllksdkdlskldsnknbknldgvs

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Does anybody else find those new Mountain Dew ads annoying? Does anybody else think that Voltage, Code Red and LiveWire are really dumb names for “flavors” of Mountain Dew? (Shouldn’t a “flavor” give you some idea of, well, a flavor?)

Well, for those people — and I know you’re out there, here are 10 more ideas for new Mountain Dew flavors:

10. Veal.

9. Cuyahoga River.

8. Oil of Olay.

7. Super Unleaded.

6. Chewing Tobacco.

5. Igneous Rock.

4. Premium unleaded.

3. Asparagus.

2. Cedar.

1. New Coke.

I was talking recently with a friend about the “joys” of dating, which was never fun in the first place and is only less fun as you get older. Which led to …

The top ten phrases most capable of ending a first date:

10. I used to be a lawyer, but I quit to pursue my dream of making a living as a ukulele player.

9. The whole restraining order thing was really just a silly misunderstanding.

8. You’ll like my mom. That’s her over there.

7. I hope you like cats. The 17 I have are really adorable.

6. I really feel much better about myself since I got out of prison.

5. I can’t wait to show you my collection of  bus timetables from around the world.

4. You’re not one of those people all hung up on monogamy, are you?

3. I don’t hear the voices telling me what to do nearly as often these days.

2. The doctor assured me it’s not contagious.

1. Excuse me, I need to take this call — It’s my spouse.

Today’s column (on the impending return of Andrew Bynum) seems to be absent from the Star website, so I’ve posted it to my blog. It’s available here.